Sometimes I go through moments where I feel as though I have nothing positive to offer the world. Sometimes I go through moments where I feel as though all the positive things I've tried to offer go unnoticed or unappreciated. I know I'm not alone in these feelings, but during those moments I just can't help but feel that I'm the only one. It could be anything that sets me off-- sitting alone in a room, being in a room full of friends, creating a funny/poignant/heartfelt story, enjoying some ice cream, getting a "funny" look from a stranger... I wish I didn't have to deal with these feelings, as they really create a sense of self-loathing in myself and in my abilities. They make me question my existence (not in a metaphysical or existential way) in terms of a sense of pleasing myself and others. I try not to live my life to please others, and I generally go about things without caring much But when it comes to my wife, I only want to do what is right an...
It’s been 3 years since I last wrote one of these Reflections. Since then I’ve continued therapy with Ann and come a long way in my understanding of myself. I feel that I’m a much stronger person for it. I also feel that my relationship with Judy was in many ways saved because of the therapy. In fact, 5 and a half weeks ago Judy and I had a baby girl we named Helen Marie. It was a frightening time, but not devastatingly so; just frightening in the sense that Helen’s birth meant being deeply responsible for the life of another human being. She’s beautiful. Everyone says she looks like me, but I see so much of Judy in her. Her eyes, and the way she looks around observing, the way she sleeps and sighs. I love holding her and kissing her little hands and cheeks. Even when she needs a diaper change or is crying non-stop, I can’t stop thinking about being a good father to her and taking care of her. Of course, at times negative thoughts creep back in – “what if” thoughts. ...
Comments
Post a Comment