A Sliver of Brain Matter

words cannot express my deep feelings of total and utter frustration at this very moment I don't want to take it out on anyone though. Today has been a most horribly stressful and thought provoking day. One I hope I never need to experience again ever. I should realize it's not about me personally, or rather it's not about making me feel like a sucker but I do feel like that Give an inch they will take a mile and another and so on until they have become so distant there's no point in trying anymore.

Well, the last month (and a few days) of the year have arrived! It's been quite a tumultuous 2008! In February I lost my job-- one I really enjoyed! In April I found a new job-- one I didn't enjoy, but it is growing on me, and I do it well. Friendships were lost, but new ones made. That hasn't happened to me in a long time. Since college, I'd say... but as the saying goes "good riddance to bad rubbish" and I'll add "and to high school mentalities!" I've started a bootstrap non-profit ( ATX Winterguard ) that is currently operating in the black, is gaining notice around the area, and will hopefully continue to be strong and productive in the goals I've set out. I've hired an all-volunteer staff that is amazing, and I wouldn't trade them for anything! My goal is to be able to pay them next year! Judy and I are still married and still going strong. I love her so much! I wish I could let her know just how much she means to me, but

I set out a goal to update this blog at least weekly, but instead have updated weakly :-( The past month has been incredibly busy for me! At work, we finally got a whole lot of projects that need to be completed quickly-- mostly by the beginning of December. So, I have been working pretty late compared to my normal business hours. Since I work for a major company, I don't like to put in long hours, but I've been doing it lately to make sure I don't have to take work home over the weekends. So, lately I've been working from 8:30 am until 6:00 or later. This past week was the first close-to-40 hour week I've had since the beginning of October. I only worked 40.5 hours. I know a lot of people probably think that's nothing, but when you're accustomed to working 37.5 hours a week (like I was), and making MORE money than you currently make, you can see why it might be difficult to increase the hours you work and not see an increase in income. I've been red

I've updated. Well, not a REALLY long time, but longer than I usually prefer. Let's see-- I've been swamped at real job. Looks like things are only going to get backed up and frustrating for the next month or so. Yay. I'm not feeling well. Allergies? A cold? I don't know, but my throat is on fire and I'm all sniffly and feel a bit on the warm side. It's 70 degrees and I'm sweating like it's in the upper 90s. Not fun. Been working a lot on the website ( http://budurl.com/677z ) for my non-profit group, and trying to promote it. I am probably not doing enough, but I don't have much time to work on it as I would like. I need to get more people involved. Our auditions for performance group are this weekend, so I'm hoping that we will actually have people show up and participate, and they will get the word out! If not, I don't know what to do. Give it up? Try again in a few weeks? I'm kind of confused. I also worry too much and need

So, I've been working with this high school program for the past year. Working hard to bring them a quality performance ensemble. I've had to fight for just about everything-- time, space, money to get the kids costumes for performances, etc. It hasn't been pleasant, or fun for me, but I do it for the kids, because otherwise most of them wouldn't be doing much of anything else. It gives them a chance to learn how to be a part of a team, to try something new, and to feel successful. Last year there were 10 kids in the program. Then we grew to 12, then shrank to 8, which happens, because high school kids are fickle. I asked the program sponsor at the school to hold recruiting opportunities-- have a table and show some videos of performances during the school's "activity fair", take the group to the middle school to do a performance and have the kids answer questions and meet 8th graders who might be interested in joining the group. Every time I asked, I w

I'm super tired lately. I think age may be catching up to my desire to do things. I hope this is not the case! Just trying to take on too much? Not eating or exercising properly, not getting enough rest, and always being stressed at work probably doesn't help much either... maybe it's those things. yeah... it's probably those things. I barely have the energy to write this blog! I'm scared to take time to just relax and read a book because I think I may be missing out on an opportunity to recruit more kids to my non-profit performing arts organization! But, maybe I'm over-reaching and trying to do to much? What's wrong with just having 6 or 7 kids interested at first? Nothing!?! It's better than zero interested, right? Yeah! I wish that was good enough for me. :-/ I mean, There may be 30 kids interested for all I know. I guess it's the not knowing that bothers me the most.

I never thought my creativity would take the turn it has been lately. Rather than writing poetry or short stories, I've been creating websites, updating code, working with some html, and learning a little bit about web-hosting, site development, and marketing to try to create brand recognition. It's quite challenging! I am actually exhausted after spending about 5 hours trying to create a website that I'm happy with (I'm not happy with it) using iLife for the MAC. Because I'm not happy with it, I haven't uploaded it to the server yet, so the domain and server space I purchased today go unused and empty. Things could have been easier if I had hired someone to do the work, but after several weeks of trying to get people to help out, I've decided to do it myself. It's 1 pm, and I started this adventure at around 2 pm this afternoon, so I've spent about 11 hours on it (5 actually creating the website, the rest trying to figure out what I was doing, an

Sometimes I go through moments where I feel as though I have nothing positive to offer the world. Sometimes I go through moments where I feel as though all the positive things I've tried to offer go unnoticed or unappreciated. I know I'm not alone in these feelings, but during those moments I just can't help but feel that I'm the only one. It could be anything that sets me off-- sitting alone in a room, being in a room full of friends, creating a funny/poignant/heartfelt story, enjoying some ice cream, getting a "funny" look from a stranger... I wish I didn't have to deal with these feelings, as they really create a sense of self-loathing in myself and in my abilities. They make me question my existence (not in a metaphysical or existential way) in terms of a sense of pleasing myself and others. I try not to live my life to please others, and I generally go about things without caring much But when it comes to my wife, I only want to do what is right an

Saw this and had to put it somewhere I knew I wouldn't forget about it. From the Austinist.com website in a post about ArtSpark: "One of this year's teams, Élan Productions, has developed a play with music titled di[verge] . The piece examines the notion that only five different moments in your life affect its ultimate outcome, and asks the question, "Do we ever really accept our present, or do we, as people, continue to dream about our past, and what might have been?" Which moments are your five moments? What if you did something different at one of those moments?"

Sometimes it just takes a little bit of work and investigation to solve a problem. I'm thinking about trying some artistic endeavors involving some artistic and technological interests I have. This could become a problem as I have a tendency to overthink things and attempt to put too much into something that could be quite lovely if done with a modicum of restraint. In other words, I try too hard sometimes. My thoughts: How can art and technology be combined in a performance arena? In other words, how can living breathing objects incorporate technology into their performance-- not through lighting, or technology to help design the show (although that's part of it), but rather... I know what I want to say but the words aren't coming to me right now. Example: Perform a piece to techno music-- music created and performed on computers or by computers, using props that symbolize or are actually constructed of technological advances (fiber optic cables, representative of iPods,

So I added 2 apps to my blog: Plurk and BlogLog that somehow are sending posts into the main body of my blog rather than keeping to their little side areas where I placed them. I don't see anything strange or different about my settings or layout, and I'm wondering why all these little 140 character or less posts are showing up in the "meaty" part of my blog. mmmmm.. meaty blog. Anyway, If anyone reads this, I could use some help in figuring this situation out! Anyone?

Rule of editing: Do NOT introduce new errors when you correct old errors. Please follow this advice. Kthxbye

Rough day! Lots of trouble with Adobe Acrobat 8.0 at work

feeling better today! hope it lasts!

what a beautiful day! I wish I felt less sick so I could enjoy it more

Have I mentioned how much I love ADIUM? I didn't know I could combine identities! No more overpacked friend lists! WOOT!

WeGame.com - WoW Videos What is the fascination with celebrities? I sometimes get wrapped up in the hype also, but do I really care how much they spent on their living room furniture? No...I don't even care how much I paid for mine! I just know I like it and it fit my budget. Does it all harken back to a long distant past-- like 5 seconds ago-- when money meant power and success? Do people really think money buys happiness? Why are so many celebrities and rich people in therapy then? Why are their kids miserable? I'm just happy to have a decent roof over my head, be able to take my wife out to nice places once in a while, and have some good books to read-- oh yeah, and to have internet access :-)

I read this story today on CNN.com about a "secret list" that the FDIC keeps on banks that are in financial difficulties. For some reason Blogger won't let me create an HTML link, so here's the website: (http://money.cnn.com/2008/07/18/news/economy/fdic_list/index.htm?eref=rss_topstories) As a fairly new investor and someone who grew up without a lot of money, but hopes to acquire some throughout my life, this story troubles me. Basically, it says that the FDIC-- the organization that insures the money that banks hold--knows when banks are in trouble, but won't release the information to the general public. Their rationale is that only about 1% of the banks on the list actually fail, the rest just need some help restructuring or whatever... So, my question is, if a bank is not structured properly to at least maintain, and is in danger of losing a great deal of money (money that isn't theirs, by the way), shouldn't the bank's customers KNOW about it?

I just attended a meeting of the Social Media Club in downtown Austin. It was my first time attending such an event, and it was quite eye-opening! As the founder of a non-profit organization, I have been attempting to use social media to get the word out about my organization and to try to drum up support. Apparently, I'm doing some of the right things! Andy Meadows, founder of LiveOak360 , was the guest speaker, and his topic was the 10 things to do in the next 10 days in order to get your business talked about through social media. I won't get into the details here, but there will hopefully be something about it on the Social Media Club Austin website...so I provided a little linky :-) I also did a little networking and found out about some organizations in Austin that are set up to help non-profits become more technically proficient and stuff such as that! I highly suggest going to one of these meetings if you're in or from the Austin, TX, area! It was relaxed and pe

People irritate me a lot. A L O T. I haven't said anything in a long time to certain people who have just been irking me beyond comprehension, but I finally did, and I got told off by a loved one who understands my response to the certain people who have been bothering me. Said "loved one" is upset that she is going to be harassed and dragged into a hopeless situation dealing with the aftermath because she has a direct connection to the certain people who have been peeving me. I'm just ... ugggghhhh ---------------- Now playing: Brian Eno - Nile (An Ancient Egyptian Quest) via FoxyTunes

Make it right if you screwed it up I was asked to remove this post by the person affected. I doubt anyone read it anyway, so it's no big loss.

Well, the last week of June was VACATION TIME! WOOT! Judy and I headed out to Ocean City, MD to go to the beach. Judy practically grew up there during the summers when she was a kid, and she wanted to go reminisce, while showing me the greatness of OC. But first we stayed with some friends after arriving in Baltimore around midnight because of plane delays. Then the next day we went to see her sister and grandparents for a little while. That was nice. Judy's been really worried about her grandparents since they've been having a lot of health issues this year. However, they looked great (for being 87 and 85, or somewhere around those ages), so she was relieved. Her dad also drove in from West Virginia, which was nice of him. After that, we drove to OC and found our hotel-- Breakers on 3rd and the Boardwalk. It was a very nice hotel, and I think we definitely got our money's worth! Great space, nice decor, super comfy bed with awesome pillows, and a little balcony we co

Friday night: went to see Iron Man, figuring the crowds would have thinned out by now. Checked on the computer before we left and saw that it wasn't sold out, but decided not to buy tickets until we got to the theater. We left home around 5:30 because we figured we'd get something to eat before the movie. By the time we got to the theater (about 30 minutes later, as we decided to leave during rush hour, even though the movie started at 7:30 pm), the movie was sold out! NOOOOOOOO!!! So, the only thing that wasn't sold out but that Judy and I had both talked about seeing was Kung Fu Panda, so we bought tickets for that. It was a decent film. Not to goofy, but still fun. There were tons more adults than kids in the audience, which was cool. Saturday: Went to Elgin to engrave some equipment. Get there and realize that I must have taken the engraver out of my car at some point. Go inside, Frontier Drum and Bugle corps is rehearsing. I won't speak of that, but anywa

Friday night Judy and I went to dinner and a concert with friends! We joined Lauren and Brian (who are newly engaged), and Robert and Leti for dinner at Serrano's, a tex-mex restaurant downtown. The food was decent. Apparently the mixed drinks were not strong, however. I had 2 beers, so I wouldn't know. Anyway. Decent conversation and fun were had! Afterwards, we all walked a few blocks to Stubb's BBQ, which I guess is a restaurant, but is mostly known for it's live-music and outdoor "stadium". We saw Data Rock, a band from Hungary (or so they kept saying), and Ladytron. Interesting crowd! Robert bought us all tickets to this show, though I don't know why, so we paid for his dinner. :-) Saturday we didn't do much-- sat by the pool for a little while, but not much of anything else. Judy went to see Sex and the City with friends (read her blog for more about that!) while I stayed home and worked on fixing my phone. It works much better now! :-)

I ordered two new mobile phones from AT&T today. One for me, one for Judy. First, mine: the AT&T TILT. It's one of the highest rated phones on CNET (from both the "experts" and actual users of the phone) with an 8.3 out of 10. It's one of them there "SMART Phones" or PDAs. Judy got the Blackberry Curve, which is tied with the TILT in terms of CNET ratings. She got the red one, which I was looking at too, so hopefully she'll let me play around with it a little :-) We both get the personal data plan, which allows us to use GPS, check and send email, download music and videos, and bunches of other stuff too. I can't wait to try out my new phone! They should both be here by Friday! YAY!

On Tuesday I finally got all the programs installed on my computer that I need to do my job effectively! YAY! Now I just need something to do! Last week there were all these files to work on, but they were all due by Monday or Tuesday. By the time I got my programs installed Tuesday afternoon, most of the work had been done. Since then, there hasn't been much of anything, just a few 1-page files to work with. Most of this week has been me working on a new project called Austin Independent Winter Guard , an all-age guard "family" I'm trying to put together in the Austin area. I've received some response so far, and I'm hoping to receive more. There's a meeting this weekend for our local guard circuit, and hopefully I'll drum up some interest there. I've even made up some business cards to hand out. I just need to get some business card paper and print them out. I'll do that today and take them to the meeting. :-D I hope this gets off the g

I just feel blah lately. Anyone reading this? Cheer me up, please!? :-)

I am being BEGGED to work as a teacher at the school where I instruct color guard. However, all this begging is coming from the band director. At this point, I haven't heard anything from the principal or the human resources director, who have ultimate say in whether or not I'm hired. I've filled out all my applications and paperwork (before I was gone from my previous job), but have heard nothing. Of course, in the meantime, I have this new job....but it's really not much fun or very interesting. There are some really nice people working here. I enjoy talking to them. However, I would like to do some actual work. Unfortunately, my computer does not have all the programs I need to do my work. I have put in requests (through IT and through my supervisor) to get these programs installed, but so far nothing is happening. They can install these programs remotely, but I haven't heard anything yet, and it's been over a week! At least send an email that the requ

Got a new job! Woot! Working for Pearson as an Associate Project Manager. Salary, benefits, paid every 2 weeks, new position that I was hired for. Almost like the position was created just for me :-) I start off with 1 week paid vacation, and next year I get 2 weeks. I think the max it goes up to is 3 weeks, maybe 4. Anyway, I also get 10 paid vacation days plus 3 paid sick days-- if I would have started 2 weeks earlier, I'd have 5 sick days. Sweet! Days don't roll over though, which is kind of a bummer, but still plenty of time to take off and recuperate when needed. So far I've been reading up on the project, finding out that there's a lot of redundancy. My immediate supervisor was talking to me on Friday about how she felt the same way, but was facing resistance to simplification of the process. Weird, but totally understandable. I'm still waiting on a computer and phone line, email access and my permanent cubicle. Right now I'm in a temporary cube.

No more teaching or judging winter guard this year! YAY! Off to Dayton, OH in a few days for WGI Championships. Then return for Marching band guard auditions :-( That is, if I get paid before then! If not.. oops! ---------------- Now playing: Gidon Kremer, Oleg Maisenberg - Schubert: Violin Sonata In D, D 384 - 2. Andante via FoxyTunes

So, I don't remember if I posted this before-- I probably did-- but the company where I was working and really enjoying what I was doing was sold in December. Well, as of March 7, I have been "laid off" as a "redundancy" meaning the new company already had enough people doing the same job as me. Since then, I've been looking for jobs. Now, I don't have to pound the pavement, but my fingers are sore from typing so many emails to companies! At least I've completed my resume pretty accurately and completely, (I hope). Today alone I've applied for 3 jobs, and received one phone call for an interview next week. I also attended a career fair yesterday at the local university. Surprisingly, there weren't many opportunities available for someone with my experience. Many of the positions were internships and/or entry level type positions. I still took names, emails, flyers, pamphlets, and business cards, etc, because you never know, right!? Net

I live in Austin TX. This is my 2nd year in this city/town (to me, it's way too small to be a city, but according to population it is one). Last year I kept hearing about this thing called South by Southwest, which I didn't really understand, but basically breaks down this way: Sunday-Wednesday: Film and Electronics festival== showings of unreleased films, peaks at yet-to-be-released video games. Wednesday-Saturday: MUSIC -- live concerts in small venues. Some big names, but mostly unsigned or "close to being forgotten" bands. There is some overlap of course, as we went out on Monday night and some of the bands had already begun arriving to play at local bars. And of course, the movies will continue playing throughout the week. Anyway, today we went downtown to watch Sarah Bareilles (Love Song) for free at a local record store. There was a fairly large crowd-- so large they had to stop people from trying to come in during the concert. Here she is live on Colin

It's the final month of indoor guard season for my regional A guard. We've received a lot of positive feedback from the judges and from people who have seen the show, and I think the girls really appreciate that. Unfortunately, 2 girls quit and 1 girl was sent to alternative school last week, so our last show was performed with 3 holes, which didn't help the show look as pretty as it should. However we finished the show on Tuesday and even with the holes still ended up in 8th place (out of 13) and won equipment! Woot! This week we go back to adjust the major problems caused by the missing people. Luckily, we have found 1 replacement and may be getting another one after spring break (in 2 weeks). So, although the season is winding down, there's a lot to still get done. I was informed last week that my current position as an editor was being eliminated due to downsizing and reduced work flow. That sucks! But, it's another opportunity for me to try something new.

Lots to do at work. Lots to do with colorguard (STILL haven't finished the show! It WILL be done by first weekend in March!!) Not enough time to spend with my gorgeous wife. Sunday...

I like to think that I'm a realist, but I'm really a dreamer. I need love and truth and all that is beautiful in this world and in my mind. I feel lost right now. I prefer fiction to informational texts, romance to logic, daydreams to reality. I have to believe that my life is worth the effort-- and that my effort is worth life. I feel fear right now. I try to see everything in a positive light-- every cloud a silver lining. I have to believe that my life is worth the effort-- and that my effort is worth life. I feel pain right now. ---------------- Now playing: Michael Riesman: Philip Glass Ensemble - Glass: Glasspiece #2 (Facades) via FoxyTunes

A vow was made, to not be broken even though the heart is... ---------------- Now playing: Ani Difranco - Untouchable Face

Last minute location changes Incorrect items ordered, delivered bitching bitching bitching This has been a rough week tears, stomach pain, shakiness shallow breathing, lack of sleep palpitations, cold sweats Let it be over soon. ---------------- Now playing: Sleep Chamber - Beyond The Exerior via FoxyTunes

Talking really does help relationships. Don't hold ideas in, don't be afraid to discuss things with others, especially if something is bothering you. When you let problems build up, eventually an explosion occurs. (Contents Under Pressure are explosive!) Whether it's a loved one, an acquaintance, someone at work... whatever. Just talk. Chances are pretty good things will work out better because of it. If they don't, then consider the way you spoke about the situation. Choosing words carefully is important as well. ---------------- Now playing: Plasmatics - Put your love in me via FoxyTunes

I got a message that my car is almost done-- the paint was applied over the weekend and is now dry, and they are just putting the pieces back on (bumper, and I don't know what else), and it should be done in a few days. For some reason, the car dealer called Judy's phone number and not mine. Weird. So, today is Wednesday, I'm hoping it's ready by Friday! Judy will need to take it to San Antonio for judges' training. I'll use her car for Elgin's camp on Saturday. Which reminds me, I am going to "trade equipment" with someone from San Antonio. He's going to bring up 10 or 20 silver poles that I will trade for 10 or 20 white poles. Fun Fun. Last night was the first night back from winter break for my Elgin kids. Wow. We spent almost the whole night taping rifles and retaping flags. Seriously, it took 2 hours to do, then we only had about 30 minutes to work on basics, and not on show. Apparently Thursday night some of them need to work

"It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life...for me and I'm feeling good!" I'm in a pretty good mood today, which is nice. I got something accomplished at work, and I found an AWESOME Badtz Maru desktop picture for my computer :-) Also got word that my car should be done in a week! I can't wait to have it back. Last night Judy and I went to Chez-Zee for dinner. It was very good-- as usual, and it was almost free since we used a gift card that her friend gave her. The gift card was a "reward" for cat-sitting while her friend was home for 2 weeks over the holidays. It bought 2 nice dinners, and dessert. We also had a couple of glasses of wine. It was a nice evening. Of course there's negative stuff, but I'm trying not to focus on that right now. I've got too many things going on that I can affect positively, and I'm going to. That's all for now. Have a good weekend (in case anyone actually reads this blog). --